Monday, August 01, 2005

Recovery - A Process Not An Instant Cure

Thank you again, dear readers, for your interest and your patience and your kindness!

At times, it still seems like the accident was a bad dream, as if my life was stolen away without my knowledge, and I want to escape back into my "real" life and re-capture the lost time. Since I have progressed so far, I am more aware of what has happened the last few months and I am still awed by the kindness of you all. I alternate between wanting to keep the memories of the latter part of March and the next couple of months vivid so I can appreciate everyone and everything AND wanting to run away from it as far and fast as possible.

I sometimes wonder if the fact that I don't remember the first 6 weeks after the accident is a mixed blessing. I know I was hit by a van while running in LA, etc., but as far as my emotions are concerned, it seems as though I was fine one minute and the next thing I knew, I was in Stallworth and horribly "broken". And yet, I know it is a blessing that I don't remember those 6 weeks as they were so painful and difficult. I have to keep reminding myself that the accident was THEN and things will get better and that NOW is going to stay good.

I have come so far and yet at times - like when I'm in a doctor's office or confronted with a thorny problem, the terror strikes and I think "I can't do it - it's all too much". To be sure, parts of my anatomy still need improvement - pray that improvement continues!! Seems like my physical stamina in so nmany ways has gotten stronger, but my mental stamina can't always keep up and my emotions are too easily upset. Being one who always liked to be on top of things and avoid showing weakness, my easy tears and frustration are most disconcerting. I know it has only been six months of a projected year or more of recovery and shouldn't be surprised that there are problems and lapses, but I get walloped by the fatigue and terror just the same. WARNING - please have patience with me - a lot of times I seem to be just fine - back to normal - and that's exactly the impression I try to give - but WHACK - sometimes the wallop comes and I'm at a loss. Please forgive me. I try and do as much as I can to get well and get stronger, but I have a tendency to overstep my abilities and I would hate to let you down.

I've often wished there was a manual for recovery, but everyone is unique and so this road is only mine to walk. By the way, I've gathered the greatest strength, hope and support from the courageous saga of Lance Armstrong. His two books, especially "It's Not about the Bike," gave me encouragement and hope for months! I avidly watched and cheered him on throughout the Tour de France once again and celebrated his remarkable 7th win with cheers and tears. I knew HE wanted the win, but to me, he was already the most incredible winner and inspiration that win or lose - he would still be a winner to me. My dream is still to get an autographed picture from him, cause I think he really DID help save my life!

YOUR support helped save me too! THANK YOU!!


Blogger Maureen said...

As always Pam you manage to inspire in the midst of all you've been through and are still working on! You have to be held back when it comes to exercize...I on the other hand need that kick in the butt!
Thanks for the reminder to be grateful!


10:19 AM  
Blogger Dave & Nancy Estes Park said...

Hi Pam! Aptly titled. A Process not a cure. Just remember within the process don't be too hard on yourself, your entitled to feel bad, scared, not up to the task etc. etc. It's hard -- but you have come so far. Give yourself a break and every now and again have a good cry, stay in bed if you want to.
Pamper yourself you deserve it. Rely on that wonderful support group you have there.
Always in our thoughts,
Nancy & Dave

4:10 PM  

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